I spent the last 2 months doing the most intense manifesting work I have ever done… but the outcome was not as I expected. And it has become my biggest lesson in trust and openness yet. You see, in my year end vision board and intention setting session in 2016 for the upcoming 2017, I had my heart set on this year being the year that I did Marie Forleo‘s renowned B-School.
After learning a new manifestation technique from The Universe Has Your Back, by Gabrielle Bernstein in January, I began to meditate nearly everyday on realizing a scholarship for B-School. Application time came around and I did everything my best, the same as everyone else could have. But when the winners were announced, my name was not on the list.
I felt a little bit like I couldn’t breathe right for the first few moments. I was very confused, and a little bit shocked. Not from a place of entitlement, but because I had worked so hard mentally, that even though I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t really expect my name to not be there. Although I wasn’t sad, I cried, pretty hard, for the first hour or so. I can say that that day itself was a little rocky for me, too.
Did you notice how I mentioned I wasn’t sad? I wasn’t. I wasn’t sad at all, there was no pinch of heartbreak. I was however incredibly confused, and pretty overwhelmed. I promised myself that even if by some crazy Divine craziness (who am I kidding, that’s just how Divine plans seem to play out — as crazy craziness) I would pay my way with the $50 dollar a month payment plan.
Here’s where the overwhelm kicks in, I go to enroll with this payment plan and it’s changed to $200 a month. That is a big difference for my monthly income. $50 I can figure out, $200 is a bit trickier… okay, significantly trickier.
After over a week of posting 3x a day on 2 of my social media platforms, a way to gain bonus points for the scholarship, my facebook and twitter got really quiet — for some of my close supporters, it got too quiet. It got quiet on purpose. Not because I was ashamed, but because I needed stillness to figure this event and it’s significance to my path out. I needed that stillness to gain clarity from the muddiness of what I saw after I didn’t see my name on the winners list.
I have recently been learning a ton of lessons, and being shown a ton of ways, to show up and lean into love. This new, deeper journey of compassion began when I read The Universe Has Your Back, by Gabrielle Bernstein (previously mentioned). That book cracked me open continuously until my thoughts and actions began blooming like a lotus craving sunlight.
The book is all about leaning into love, and having certainty that The Universe does in fact have your back. After days of first juggling finances in my head to see how I still make B-School work, and continuing to ask, “What the fuck is truly happening right now?!” I got my clarity.
Maybe the love I was leaning into as I manifested was not the gift of a scholarship to B-School and how life changing it would be for me and how much I needed it. But instead it was that if I was really going to lean into love, I would need to lean into love in trusting that I could make $200 a month appear so that I could make B-School work.
If I am going to lean into love, will I still lean in when what I really wanted didn’t actualize and my vision was shattered? Will I take that broken glass and see it as the divine blessing it truly is for both the now and the long run?
The reason I did not post about the results first thing was because I didn’t want to hear apologies, I didn’t want people to try and sympathize with me, because I wasn’t sad. Even when people messaged me, the only ones I replied to were my Mom and my Nana. In fact, I still will not have spoken to the outcome until this blog comes out. I needed that clarity first, and I knew that there was something purposeful in the experience that I could write about.
This is what powerful co-creators and manifestors do. When things get unclear, they get still, they listen. And they do not wallow, or accept what has happened as an end game unless it proves to be an end game.
The ‘loss’ of ‘my’ B-School scholarship morphed into the abundance of breaking open in receptivity to the $200 I needed to find to still make it happen (I had that problem worked out by the end of that day). The ‘wasted’ manifesting proved to be quite possibly the most prosperous manifesting I have ever done.
Even better, now that I have to pay my way, I have enrolled with Gabrielle Bernstein, one of my biggest inspirations in life and career so far, and I will get to work closer with her after B-School ends. That is something I am not sure I could’ve done had I gotten a scholarship.
When shit hits the fan, I invite you to go inward and listen, instead of continuing outward in freak out mode to your girl friends or family members. If you can be open, trust that there is something bigger, and through stillness, a quiet mind, and asking the question you need an answer to, love will pour through.
If you truly lean into love and trust that the Universe has your back, you will lean into it even more when your vision gets washed out of sight.