December 30th 2015
Yesterday was a terrible day for me. It kinda topped off not the best month at school as well as not the best month for me trying to be an adult.
I was judged by a guest at school without given a chance to prove myself and as I tried to pick myself up and not take it too personally, I decided to make something and reconnect with the Creative ability I know I have. Unfortunately, as I was working on this mannequin, that guest who treated me like I was too young and too stupid and untrained to do her hair, she remarked kinda loudly to one of my fellow students about how I was a child playing with my doll’s hair, and how she was glad that she had gotten someone more qualified in the end.
it was quite hard to brush that one off. In fact, I couldn’t and it got to me. Ruined my day.
In ways, I feel like this lady was right. I don’t know what I’m doing trying to be a professional. I don’t know what I’m doing trying to hold my own in this world, I’m failing at it. I do my best in school and I get good grades, but I get walked on constantly. I know I’m seen by a lot of people who know me that I’m confident and that I can take whatever life throws my way, but really, I cannot.
What I should’ve done was taken a moment and prayed.
What I should’ve done was gone to Starbucks and bought a chocolate croissant. What I should’ve done was called someone and told them what happened who I know loves me.
Instead I made a stupid decision and went Off the grid for like 3 hours. Drove through rush hour traffic, didn’t go home. I didn’t want to deal with being a disappointment.
truth is, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle life out in the real world.
Truth is, I don’t really want to.
I went into cosmetology school because its an industry in something I find inspiration from, and I have natural skill when it comes to working with hair.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle being so vulnerable though.
I am an Artist. I’ve never truly allowed myself to be one though. I’ve never been so brave as to purposefully put myself in the line of judgement. Truth is, I forgot that I was vulnerable. I forgot that most of the time, I’m out there fending for myself.
I’m depending on Myself.
This terrifies me. As independent as I’ve always been, what if I can’t do this? What if I don’t succeed? What if my best continues to not be enough to other people?
As I was driving through Las Vegas traffic, I reflected on this.
I realized I needed to go to the place that I felt like I was enough.
So I ran to my safe haven in my friends, in the people God has blessed me with. the extension of love from the most unconditional place. I couldn’t admit my sadness right away. I don’t think I could truly admit it til now.
But my best friend reminded me that I’m not as alone as I felt.
That my heart was beating, and I’m alive for a reason, all my hard work couldn’t be for nothing, all that I am and am creating in my life is for my future. Granted, I don’t make the best decisions. But I’m always putting my all into whatever I choose to do. That can either be a blessing or a curse.
He also reminded me that no matter how much negativity I go through, if I hold onto the faith I have, that it’s just a bump in the road, over the huge mushroom cloud I feel it is sometimes.
He reminded me to believe in myself. I don’t know what I’ve done in my life to even remotely deserve love from those who unconditionally give it to me.
Perhaps it is that I only wish love to everyone I come into contact with. It has saved me, many times from my own self. My own ego and my own anxiety.
I’ve been so afraid in my life of not being enough. I’ve been terrified of being alone. I’ve been too ashamed of my own pain to ask for help.
I am a human. I am so imperfect.
I forget one important thing though.
I don’t need to feel afraid, I don’t need to feel alone, I don’t need to feel unworthy.
My soul is infinite. All the things that truly matter to me come from my soul, yet, my ego tries to rule my life.
My creation, love, helping other people,these are of the soul.
Then why do I give my ego so much power?
Because I give into it.
Fear, negative judgement, loneliness, these are of my ego.
My lesson is that I need to stop and take a moment and reconnect with my soul. Silence that voice that tries to distract me from the divine and the light and the reasons worth living. To love myself when I need it most.
To look at what I can truly do. Not everyone will love what I do, but I need to appreciate my skills and see the beauty in what I create.
I am 19 years old. As much as I know myself, I am still learning, as does everyone from all ages and walks of life.
I forgive the woman who didn’t give me the chance to introduce myself, to show her my skill, I am actually thankful it happened now rather than later.
As much as it hurt me, I allowed it to fuel my mind to tear myself apart.
In the end, I was able to create something unique and beautiful on that “doll”
If I looked like I was playing with her hair, imagine what I could do when I looked like I was really trying to make a masterpiece.
I both apologize and forgive myself for making bad decisions and for hurting my own feelings and livelihood with crippling thoughts and words.
It’s hard to depend on someone who hurts you….perhaps that is why I’m so afraid to depend on myself.
I would say this was my New Years resolution, but I think this is more than that.
This is my vow to myself,
I promise to be someone worth loving and depending on. I promise to do my best. I promise I won’t give up on my soul and my journey.
I promise to look to the light instead of hang my head in sadness and cower in fear. I promise all these things for the sake of my here and now as well as my future.
If I can have faith in those who love me, then what’s stopping me to have faith in myself?
Just my ego. Just negativity.
I say no more. And I’m putting it out into the universe with this message to myself.
This piece was written by an incredible friend of mine, Rachael. When I very first started imagining this blog I asked if she would write for me, because she’s a very kindred spirit to those who follow Spirit & Soul, and I am so glad she wrote something so true to herself and her growth. It’s these kinds of reflections, acknowledgments, and lessons I wish to inspire with the blog. So, Rachael, thank you so much for gifting me with the honor of sharing this.
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